ihatesarahmarshall

Thanks for Listening

2008-04-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am packed and ready for my trip to Hawaii. Got my favorite floral on, and ready for some fun in the sun.

I just wanted to thank anyone out there who has been reading my blog. I went back last night and re-read most of it and well, I guess I have been a mess. But it does suck to get dumped :)

Alright, super shuttle is here! Woohoo!!!!!! Catch you all when I am back, with my hot tan! Hopefully no surprises on my trip.

OK

2008-04-17T10:43:00.000-07:00

So, last night was amazing, why? Because I finally slept thru the entire night. I didn't think about you know who, I didn't dream about Aldous doing her, I didn't yearn to hold her in my arms, I didn't want to smell her hair, I didn't want to kiss her back while we slept... Ok, I did it again, I got caught up.

On another note, its official, I have booked my trip to Hawaii and leave tomorrow. My brother suggested I get away, and I am finally doing it. So, I am off to Oahu, and a few days of "me time" at Turtle Bay!

Hawaii isn't remotely romantic, right?

The Perfect Metaphor For Sarah Marshall

2008-04-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

I want to take a vacation, so I call to redeem points from a celebrity bball tournament I won (against Frankie Muniz and Freddie Prinze, Jr. – both are way better than you’d think) but the points are in Sarah’s name. Granted, it was a couples tournament, but I WON MOST OF THE points and now the points are non-transferable and I can’t take my f'ng vacation. Perfect metaphor for how I carried the weight of this relationship and she gets the points. And now I REALLY wanna play bball. Anybody interested, hit me up.

My Family’s Thoughts on Sarah Marshall

2008-04-16T13:39:00.000-07:00

My mom thinks Sarah Marshall is a clinical narcissist.

My brother thinks she’s kind of a biotch.

My sister in law thinks she’s got real low-self esteem.

Really? So where have I been this whole time? Why didn’t anybody say anything to me about it at the time? And why, now, do I still not see it??

Me vs. Aldous

2008-04-15T11:09:00.000-07:00

My life is over. Why am I making a f*ng chart? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get a life and stop making these charts? I wish I had never found the chart making widget in html. I should be making something of myself, instead I’m just screwing off my life. Aldous Snow was mega famous by the time he was 19. I’m just some jack off writing a Dracula musical that no one will ever see. Do you know that there already have been like three Dracula musicals? And here I thought I was being sooooo original. I hate everyone.

Are All Women As Awful as Sarah Marshall ???

2008-04-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

Meeting lots of hot/kinda slutty girls is super fun. I never wanted to end up like my bro who met his wife Liz freshman year of college and never got to experience the fun of sleeping with lots of women. I didn't want to be that guy.

But some of the chicks I have been meeting lately are odd to say the least. This one girl bit me. At first it was kind of cool but then it started to hurt and then I got a little afraid.

This other girl only slept with me because she’s a big Crime Scene fan (boo sarah!). I felt kind of used.

This other chick was gorgeous you know and seemed pretty cool but then was like a corpse in the sack. Literally a dead person. I thought she had died and I got really scared like “what if I’m in the middle of having sex with her and she died and now I’m having sex with a dead person does that make me a necrophiliac ?” And then I laughed and she was like “why are you laughing?” and I couldn’t tell her. But I did anyway because I was super drunk. And she didn’t care which was way worse then if she had gotten mad at me.

But the weirdest was this girl that kept saying "hi" while we did it. I asked her to stop saying "hi", and she wanted me to ball gag her. How crazy is that?

Ok, its fun to be promiscuous and all, but I miss having a girlfriend (boo sarah!)

I don’t remember meeting this girl. I hope I used protection.

I’m pretty sure this chick robbed me. I had $40 in my wallet before I met her. Now I don’t. This is quite a fun adventure though. I’m going to have a lot of fun stuff to tell the kids.

What I've Been Missing

2008-04-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

Here are pictures of all the girls I've exchanged bodily fluids with since Sarah Marshall did me the biggest favor of my life and walked out the door:

And for any dudes thinking about hitting it with Sarah Marshall...SHE USES HER TEETH.

Being 27 dating is so much different then when I was 22. You don't have to date for a month of necking and walking hand in hand. You get hand jobs immediately. I talked to this chick for like fifteen minutes and I got a f-ing bj on my scooter. I know it's gross to talk like this but it's also kind of amazing. I don't miss being in relationship at all. A BJ on my scooter! That might not be spiritually fulfilling... but f*** spiritually fulfilling. BJ ON MY SCOOTER, BITCH!!!

Ok, I do miss being in a relationship!

Cleaning it all out!

2008-04-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

Well, today was clean the closet day at my house. My bro told me that I needed to eradicate as much of Sarah from my life, so I cleaned all her s*** out of my closet, and threw it in the trash.

However, there were a few items that might be of value, so I put them up on eBay to raise money for charity.

One of them is this cute dress which Sarah wore to a recent premiere.

Damn, she did looking smokin hot in it, but of course I never got a picture with her in it, since I was always off standing in the back somewhere with her purse.

Good riddance!

Aldous and Infant Sorrow are Douches

2008-03-31T16:11:00.000-07:00

I JUST read a tabloid interview with Aldous of the cheeseball Infant Sorrow. Apparently he and Sarah met about a year ago, and ever since then they have been in love. WTF? Sarah and I broke up just a few weeks ago, how is that possible?

You know if they’re together that totally makes sense. They’re both cheeseball douchebags. They can go to the grocery store together and get pictured in “celebrities, they’re just like us.” Hopefully he’ll knock her up and leave her high and dry with a long haired sexually vague child named Haven or Ryder or whatever. I wish them all the best. I really do. They deserve each other’s hypocrisies and bs. I’m actually happy it happened. It’s like a clean break. It’s like the bandage has been ripped off. It’s like my brother’s wife Liz is always saying, “when you want to clean something up that’s bad, use bleach, don’t let it fester for a week.” Sure she was referring to a steak sub I’d left out for a month, but the metaphor works here too.

Enjoy the herpes Sarah!

Things You Think You Know About Sarah Marshall

2008-03-27T18:48:00.000-07:00

I have too much time on my hands. Also she didn’t sleep with a casting director. I just felt like writing that. But she didn’t. That was satire.

“A Vampire Defined”

2008-03-23T12:54:00.000-07:00

Is that too pretentious? I’m thinking about that as the title for my rock opera. Why?

Okay, hear me out. What is a vampire? A creature that lures you in and then sucks all the life out away. Lets take, oh, Sarah Marshall for example… beautiful, talented, great taste, tight body, smart and always fun to be around. So why the f*ck wouldn’t I fall for that, right?? I mean, I’ve gone over it a million times and there were no signs of what she was capable of.

But I’ve been really looking into this kind of behavior and F*CK if she wasn’t an emotional leech on me for five long years. You want evidence?? OK, here’s the evidence…

All The Things I Accomplished BEFORE Sarah Marshall:
+ Orchestrated a symphony summer series
+ Bought real estate…in Los Angeles
+ Worked my way up the TV music business to a Top Ten show
+ Lost 45 pounds since college
+ Rock hard social life
+ First draft of a damn brilliant rock opera

Things I Accomplished AFTER I Met Sarah Marshall:
- Accompanying Sarah to movie premieres and Hollywood parties
- “Cuddle-time”
- Gained weight
- Boring ‘music’ at same crappy TV show
- Getting stuck on my brilliant rock opera and not EVER being able to move forward or get ANY positive support from one unnamed selfish, emotional vampire who’s opinion meant everything to me.
- Watched Sixteen Candles 38 times.

Five years of gazing into her eyes, wild sex and comfort and security and confidence…all a trap to eventually SUCK the life out of you. that’s what chicks like Sarah Marshall thrive on. I mean why did it take me so long to see it?? Sure the sex was wild and great but who cares about that? That’s just physical comfort. Do I miss it? Maybe. Do I need it? Probably not. Do I feel the pain in my bones from missing so much? Will it fade? I hope it fades because if this feeling doesn’t fade I’m going to freak the f out.

Back to the musical!

Look what I caught on TV last night!

2008-03-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

I think I look good, right? I need to take a shower maybe....

Won't Be Sleeping

2008-03-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

Melody

2008-03-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

Something dawned on me tonight. I think I understand why I haven’t been able to grow creatively and have gotten stuck in my career. My bro pointed this out to me. Granted, I threw the remote at his oversized forehead and kicked him out of the house…but the more I thought about it…

Dating Sarah Marshall is like scoring the music for a crappy TV show. All melody, no harmony!

It’s not real music. It’s just there to make scary people scarier or funny people funnier…or pretty people prettier.

Is that all I was there for? Was to make you prettier? You kept me around because I was the one making your performances pop? Selling you to your fans? Holding your purse while your photograph got wired to every paper and blog in the world? Even though the whole time you knew I wasn’t growing as a musician???

Well forget about it. I’m not letting YOU hold ME back anymore. I’ve got more going on than melody and backup tracks. My rock opera will live…

And Sarah Marshall will not be featured. I’m over you, Sarah Marshall. I am totally over you. And if you call me I will not answer. No matter how many times you call and beg to get back together I will never let you back in. Once this door closes it closes forever. I am at home near the phone and I still won’t answer. Also, I’m not the one calling you and hanging up so stop telling people that lie.

Spread The Sarah Marshall Message Across America!

2008-03-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I spent a lot of money on these banners that I have had posted everywhere.

My family and friends have sent me photos of them in their hoods, jeez they are all so worried about me.

So, I thought it would be cool if everyone that reads my blog, posts their favorite ones as well. This way I can see Sarah's engagement ring money going to good use! Just post them here at a photo group I started.

TOOL!

2008-03-18T18:04:00.000-07:00

So the other guy is Aldous Snow from Infant Sorrow...
I mean he is a total douche bag! What are you thinking Sarah?

Billboards...

2008-03-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

Hope people have been seeing the billboards that I have put up around town. I think its important everyone knows how much Sarah Marshall SUCKS! How she does look fat in those jeans! How my mom never liked her! How over her I am!

So, I used the money that I spent on her engagement ring to buy every available billboard around town. (That’s right Sarah I was going to propose to you. I was just waiting for the right time. I guess that time is never O’clock in the month of Nev-ruary).

Sarah, I really hope you are un-happy for the rest of your life – that you understand how totally over you I am.

That said, you should call me if you want to talk, I can have these things taken down.

I haven’t called because you said you needed space, that’s what you wanted. But when you say to someone you need time you should be more specific. How much time? Cause I am still waiting, but not for you. Just for things to get better…

Never thought I would sing this song, thanks Sarah....

2008-03-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

WTF!

2008-03-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

So, its been confirmed (from her fansite - www.sarahmarshallfan.com), Sarah is dating that douche Aldous Snow from Infant Sorrow.... See the f'ng picture... Thanks for throwing it in my face Sarah!

Saturday Night!

2008-03-16T07:33:00.000-07:00

Not sure if you're still reading this or not, Sarah, but last night was my first single night in five years. But even after multiple pitchers of margarita's at our tex mex place, I couldn't stop thinking about you.

When I stumbled home at midnight, I turned on the tv to watch SNL, which was one of my favorite things to do with you. All I could do was think about curling up, kissing your ear and just having you. The show was funny, I love that kid from Superbad, but I am just seriously jonesing for what we were!

You out there boo? I miss you, even though you f'd up!

INSOMNIA

2008-03-15T06:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I didn't sleep at all last night. What is it, I close my eyes, and all I do is think. I never used to think when I closed my eyes, I always used to sleep. My brother told me to chase a tylenol pm with robitussin, and all that did was make me drunk, i didn't use the plastic top... Sheep, Sheep, Sheep and Sheep... Mom that doesn't work either!

I am fine, I am fine... I am going to play with Dracula....

Dracula Always Helps

2008-03-15T03:45:00.000-07:00

Sarah Marshall Hates Me

2008-03-13T16:59:00.001-07:00

I feel dizzy.

Beat Me To The Punch

2008-03-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

F her. F the sh** out of her. You know I’ve been thinking about it and it’s like five years! You’re just going to throw that away. I guess she is! So it’s all out on the table now. Struggling, insecure, low self-esteem, doesn’t know what she had TV actress Sarah Marshall dumped me last night. yes, the one on the stupid crime TV show with Daniel Baldwin. Or Adam or Billy or Pablo…who the F can keep ‘em straight? She probably screwing ‘em all anyway.

I couldn't sleep at all last night... close the eyes and nothing happens... all i could think about was... well you know....

But for the record, Sarah Marshall no longer loves me and probably never did and has been lying to me for years. I would love to know how long she’s been cheating.

CONTEST: I will pay anybody $500 who can tell me what jackass she left me over. $1000 for photographic evidence. $5000 if she’s naked and I can sell it to Perez Hilton.

(PS: if anybody has any pictures of Sarah, especially with the both of us in them, please email them to me when you can. A computer virus deleted mine at 4am this morning.)

This Sucks

2008-03-12T04:20:00.000-07:00