Thanks for Listening

Ok, so I am packed and ready for my trip to Hawaii. Booked my apartment cleaners nyc. Got my favorite floral on, and ready for some fun in the sun.

I just wanted to thank anyone out there who has been reading my blog. I went back last night and re-read most of it and well, I guess I have been a mess. But it does suck to get dumped :)

Alright, super shuttle is here! Woohoo!!!!!! Catch you all when I am back, with my hot tan! Hopefully no surprises on my trip.

OK

So, last night was amazing, why? Because I finally slept thru the entire night. I didn't think about you know who, I didn't dream about Aldous doing her, I didn't yearn to hold her in my arms, I didn't want to smell her hair, I didn't want to kiss her back while we slept... Ok, I did it again, I got caught up.

On another note, its official, I have booked my trip to Hawaii and leave tomorrow. My brother suggested I get away, and I am finally doing it. So, I am off to Oahu, and a few days of "me time" at Turtle Bay!

Hawaii isn't remotely romantic, right?

The Perfect Metaphor For Sarah Marshall

I want to take a vacation, so I call to redeem points from a celebrity bball tournament I won (against Frankie Muniz and Freddie Prinze, Jr. – both are way better than you’d think) but the points are in Sarah’s name. Granted, it was a couples tournament, but I WON MOST OF THE points and now the points are non-transferable and I can’t take my f'ng vacation. Perfect metaphor for how I carried the weight of this relationship and she gets the points. And now I REALLY wanna play bball. Anybody interested, hit me up.

My Family’s Thoughts on Sarah Marshall

My mom thinks Sarah Marshall is a clinical narcissist.

My brother thinks she’s kind of a biotch.

My sister in law thinks she’s got real low-self esteem.

Really? So where have I been this whole time? Why didn’t anybody say anything to me about it at the time? And why, now, do I still not see it??

Me vs. Aldous

My life is over. Why am I making a f*ng chart? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get a life and stop making these charts? I wish I had never found the chart making widget in html. I should be making something of myself, instead I’m just screwing off my life. Aldous Snow was mega famous by the time he was 19. I’m just some jack off writing a Dracula musical that no one will ever see. Do you know that there already have been like three Dracula musicals? And here I thought I was being sooooo original. I hate everyone.

Are All Women As Awful as Sarah Marshall ???

Meeting lots of hot/kinda slutty girls is super fun. I never wanted to end up like my bro who met his wife Liz freshman year of college and never got to experience the fun of sleeping with lots of women. I didn't want to be that guy.

But some of the chicks I have been meeting lately are odd to say the least. This one girl bit me. At first it was kind of cool but then it started to hurt and then I got a little afraid.

This other girl only slept with me because she’s a big Crime Scene fan (boo sarah!). I felt kind of used.

This other chick was gorgeous you know and seemed pretty cool but then was like a corpse in the sack. Literally a dead person. I thought she had died and I got really scared like “what if I’m in the middle of having sex with her and she died and now I’m having sex with a dead person does that make me a necrophiliac ?” And then I laughed and she was like “why are you laughing?” and I couldn’t tell her. But I did anyway because I was super drunk. And she didn’t care which was way worse then if she had gotten mad at me.

But the weirdest was this girl that kept saying "hi" while we did it. I asked her to stop saying "hi", and she wanted me to ball gag her. How crazy is that?

Ok, its fun to be promiscuous and all, but I miss having a girlfriend (boo sarah!)


I don’t remember meeting this girl. I hope I used protection.


I’m pretty sure this chick robbed me. I had $40 in my wallet before I met her. Now I don’t. This is quite a fun adventure though. I’m going to have a lot of fun stuff to tell the kids.

What I've Been Missing

Here are pictures of all the girls I've exchanged bodily fluids with since Sarah Marshall did me the biggest favor of my life and walked out the door:





And for any dudes thinking about hitting it with Sarah Marshall...SHE USES HER TEETH.

Being 27 dating is so much different then when I was 22. You don't have to date for a month of necking and walking hand in hand. You get hand jobs immediately. I talked to this chick for like fifteen minutes and I got a f-ing bj on my scooter. I know it's gross to talk like this but it's also kind of amazing. I don't miss being in relationship at all. A BJ on my scooter! That might not be spiritually fulfilling... but f*** spiritually fulfilling. BJ ON MY SCOOTER, BITCH!!!

Ok, I do miss being in a relationship!